When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.