When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
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Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I hope google does well on my son’s test
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad