When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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Them: Just act casual
Me:
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras