When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Wednesday
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.