@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ: When speaking to children I always end every sentence with "...or else you'll die. " - I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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@internetluke: [leaving HS reunion w/ date] Aren't you going to ask why everybody was calling me 'smelly boy' tonight? "Seemed pretty clear I thought"
@JohnLyonTweets: Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I'm going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
@Social_Mime: Me - That's the second First Baptist Church I've seen today. Wife - OK? M - One of them is lying. W - You can't ever shut it off can you?
@jaaaaaayyyyyyyy: Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it's from me Sir, that's a Ms. Pac-Man machine *raises glass, winks*