When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Happy Caturday!
🤣
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now