Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Batman v Dracula
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
2 years later
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?