When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
You Might Also Like
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him