when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.