when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title