when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
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Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays