When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
You Might Also Like
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Found the job I’m suited for
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.