When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
john wicks are toilet candles
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.