When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”