When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
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Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My boss called in sick of me
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?