Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there