@Kalarlis: When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write "HELP ME" while maintaining eye contact
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@PortRooster: Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple? Me: Blurple. *She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I "know"
@pauleggleston: My wife and I can't agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she's digging in her heels.
@internetluke: Jesus: saw that facebook event "last supper"... looks good but whys it called the "last supper" ? Judas: oh.. No reason really
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU