When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Lube but for my dry humor.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I know
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good