When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name