When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*has no idea what a book even is*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.