When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.