When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
motivation
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*