When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more