@TheTweetOfGod: When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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@FilthyRichmond: My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
@shkeeber: GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! DID YOU KNOW THAT FROSTED FLAKES DON'T TASTE HALF BAD WITH RED BULL INSTEAD OF MILK? I THINK I'LL RUN TO WORK TODAY!
@theyearofelan: Don't be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they'll spend more time manually checking your updates
@kashanacauley: What we've learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.