@TheTweetOfGod: When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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@ImSoFrancis: Astronaut: I never loved you Me: how could you say that? Astronaut: it's the truth Me: no I mean like, sound doesn't travel in a vacuum
@dog_feelings: the human thinks. i won’t get excited. if they say. doubleyouayellkay. instead of. walk. but guess what. i am excited
@AmishPornStar1: Teachers at the pre-school ask why I'm in a good mood in the morning... I'm like, "Duh...did you not see me just leave my kids with you?"