When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
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decorating my apartment
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”