when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Taking phone security to the next level.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.