when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash