I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..