@DammitLarry1: When the ex asks to be friends... it's like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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@tastefactory: 12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it's bad *throws in trash* HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what's this
@mikefossey: BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
@jonnysun: DATE: dessert? MY BRAIN: im full MY STOMACH: i want food DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
@hippieswordfish: robber: give me the money! *points gun at cashier* cashier: wait thats just a blow dryer nervous snowman patron: please just do as he says!