When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires