When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”