When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.