When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
True freaking story!
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
we’re gonna need another temp
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU