At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
You Might Also Like
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My biological clock is wheezing.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof