I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.