When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.