When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods