When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful