When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
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Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac