when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
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People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!