Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
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David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Never ghost your hitman.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!