*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
How dude HOW?!
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.