When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*