When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Friday night party time 🥳
Not all heroes wear capes…
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER