When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.