When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
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This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Trumpy Cat
i could never be president. im overqualified.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS