@Lunatic_times: when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.
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@silent_musings: Next time you see someone you don't like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
@GoodnightSanity: My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn't want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
@UncleDuke1969: "Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?" - Karen
@WilliamAder: A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.