My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
my first dose meeting my second
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!