When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
me irl
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious