Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No