I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.