Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You Might Also Like
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.