when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
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WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768