When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Monica just destroyed the internet
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot